Off the Charts

It's been 5 months....5 months......5months....

Uggghh, how I hate to admit defeat. It doesn't matter if I have lost the battle or the war, it all feels terrible. My weight remains unchanged and each little fat cell appears to be filled with self loathing. Thats why they are so damn hard to get rid of. I'm resigned to the fact that the whole purpose of this blog is lost on the million random things I've done to lose weight in the past five months. I am also resigned to the fact that I am probably going to be hyper focused on the weight issue for my life's entirety.

So what now? Admit my faults?  Ok... 1. I am an impulse eater. 2. I have a raving sweet tooth. 3. Forget #2 ... I have a raving everything tooth. 4. I have workout ADD, I just don't like to do the same workout for very long. 5. I make bad food choices when I am in a rush or under stress ( which is pretty much all the time). 6. I HATE feeling hungry. 7. bla, bla, bla, complain, complain, complain.

I don't for the life of me want to accept that this will be uncomfortable, challenging and require effort EVERY single day. Who wants to deal with that!!! I hear all this nonsense about lifestyle change, like its about health.... like it's about some really noble cause. It's NOT, not for me anyway. I just want to rock a size 6 everyday. I just want to feel comfortable in something other than comfy pants. I am not fighting for some great pride worthy cause. I'm so freaking shameless, I want my waistline and the confidence that accompanies it.

I guess I'll hash out a new plan....

love
Chan

where the hell have i been :)

So, Im not gonna lie...been totally waiting until school starts to really get into this! I have NO structure in my life right now and as an "adult" with severe ADD I dont know how to get it. At least when school starts I can have a routine. Its forced. I have no choice. If I didnt teach Zumba 3 times a week I would not have exercised AT ALL the last 2 weeks. I can say I have been making healthier choices foodwise. But thats about it.....School starts wednesday the 29th.....Then its freaking ON! LIKE DONKEY KONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

~the Kris

Figures

                                       

               I guess I left off on thursday..... and to put  it plain..... it didn't go as planned.
As some folks know, I spent a month off of skates due to bruised ribs and was recently cleared for contact. Now the fact that I pretty much  manipulated my doc into clearing me WAS irrelevant, but apparently not so much anymore. So open scene...Thursday at MELT..... here I am lying on the floor foam rolling my spine and "CRrrack" I hear and feel that horrid sound I felt when I previously was injured, accompanied by a fast sharp pain. I catch my breath and realize the pain is gone just as fast as it came and decide perhaps foam rolling is not a good Idea. I go to get off the floor and "whoosh" the room starts spinning at warp speed, I lose all muscle control black out and hit the floor. Now I use the term black out simply because everything turned black however I was conscious throughout the entire event. I probably couldn't have spoken to you but I was there. With in a few moments everything was back to normal and I slowly got up, shook it off and did my work out. I was alittle nervous about the whole thing so instead of going to the Roller Rink, I went home. Just as soon as I got home I bent down to hug my son and BAM there I go again...... I'm starting to be very thankful that these happen while I'm close to the ground..... cuz my even though it didn't hurt when my head hit the floor , I knew it probably should have. So 2 more times after that I go through this whole "Black Out" thing again. As a nurse I know a few things about syncopal episodes and why they happen, it's not my specialty but I know a bit. So Im drawing the lines and connecting the dots. From what I can tell It should probably be either so orthostatic issue or vasovagal episode, I think this because everytime it happens I am changing position, not drastically ... I mean once I was just simply shifting my weight. But thats the simple explanation so I go with it.  I go down the list:  Am I hydrated??? YES! Have I eaten???? YES!!! Have I had normal BM's??? YES?  Am I in pain??? NO. Perfect I have no reason to be passing out......... but wait......I AM passing out. Next step.... write it of and go to bed.... probably a freak thing.
         Here comes friday and to be honest I wake up having totally forgotten what happened, get up and go to work. Friday was a painfully slow day in the ER at childrens, so I checked my email and browsed this new website from Joe Carabase  ( the Guy the owns MELT fitness). The site is cool, it's filled with interesting nutrition and fitness information. There's not a ton of stuff on it right now but what he has on it is good. One of the things he has put on it is a formula for calories needed in order to maintain or reduce weight. We all know where I stand on the issue so I plug in my numbers and voila....... What the FUCK???!!! The formula has  shown that I need to take in nearly 2000 calories in order to lose weight. I think I am going to lose my mind when I see this because I know that on weight watchers I am barely eating 1000-1200 calories. All of a sudden I realize that I have probably driven my metabolism into the dumps with my amped up workouts as of late. I don't know what to do so I start freaking out, and browsing the internet for any validation of this formula to see if its actually possible that I should be eating that ungodly amount of food! I come upon Livestrong.com and they seem to have their own formula which has me taking in about 1500 calories in order to lose 2lbs weekly. The maintenance calories for both formulas is pretty much the same, so I figure the difference is based on a 1lb weight loss weekly VS a 2lb weight loss weekly. Again the validation of this formula is TORTURE. I Not only could I have eaten more the week before ... I SHOULD have!!! Maybe I wouldn't have gain 4 flippin pounds! Anyhow.... I am sitting in the chair talking about this frustrating issue with a co-worker when WHAM the room starts spinning and I slide half way out of the chair having a black out. This time I'm alittle nervous because there was absolutely no reason for it to happen, I hadn't changed position... I hadn't even coughed or looked in a different direction. The events of the day before start flooding back to my memory and I start to become anxious. I realize that my rib has been bothering me again.... I had taken ibuprofen for it twice that day( I hadn't done so in a week... except on derby days). But whats bothering me most is this ..... how can I drive home knowing that I will not have time to stop the car before I lose control of my body.... should this happen while I am driving..? It's a possibility now....
I do drive home friday night, nervously and stubbornly.
                 On my way home, I was emotionally disoriented. Angry and frustrated not only because I had eaten next to nothing... for nothing.... But also because I now had a new medical issue I would have to deal with! This coupled with my left chest which was getting progressively more painful led to the reality that I would likely not be able to fully participate in derby for a new undetermined amount of time. Can anyone say.... SOUL CRUSHING! So I did what all normal people do in an emotional crisis... I stopped at Xtra- Mart and got a pint of Ben and Jerry's.......
             I had my way with Ben and Jerry's cookie dough on friday night...... and saturday I awoke with atleast a few pounds of guilt. I got on the scale... so I could measure my shame and defeat..... and I'm not shitting you.... the scale read 184.9lbs. I lost just over 4 lbs??????? My first thought was,...... Ben and Jerry's ...... Thats the secret to dieting!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not true, I'm sure ...... but its a pretty comforting thought!
            So I've done some research and realized I need to rework my plan... I have written out some menus and shopping lists, preparing to change my diet. The menu's range from 1500 to 2200 cals based on my length and intensity of workouts. The only problem is I can't grocery shop till payday on friday, so Until then Im going to have to wing it and just watch what I put in my face.
       I have not had any further blackouts since friday. I've had  a few dizzy spells each day  though and Im really sad about this whole issue. I haven't called the doc yet..... I don't really want to, I know she won't let me put roller skates on..... and Im worried she may even ask me to stop working out for now. I guess I can't have all my dreams crushed before I even get off the ground. I'm going to do it..... I will.... Im just sad.... Because I would rather not deal with it....
           

Mediocre

                                     

Ohhhhh lord.....I'm such a mess. This week has  been "ok", so far. Not a week built for loosing a ton of weight. I hopped back on the scale this morning and I'm down one pound, it's good news, but I've sort of lost faith in the scale. I have made 2 bad choices this week which I'm sure will bite me in the ass. #1 After a late night scrimmage about 50miles away I stopped at BK and had a double cheeseburger on the way home. I was so freaking hungry I thought my head would implode.  #2 when some folks at work decided to order out chinese, I got a small beef lomein.  Either choice was not as bad as I might have done 2 weeks ago..... but its still not what I should have done. I feel tired despite sleeping well last night....and as I write this, I just realized I haven't taken my thyroid med or my vitamins in 2 days. I got such little sleep on tuesday night, I awoke like a zombie on weds and I guess I haven't quite recovered. One of the cons of Roller Der by is that, I have atleast one night a week where I get very little sleep and some weeks it 2 nights. I'm not one of those people that can actually function, think straight and maintain energy on no sleep..... No matter how hard I try.

Tonight I am going to MELT, Open skate and then practice because I will not have a chance to workout tomorrow or sat.....

For now I am going to take a nap... T is down the hall at a friends house .. and the baby is sleeping! Since having a quiet moment in our home is pretty non existent.... I have to take advantage... =0)--Chan

                                        

Food

Hello All.
Max here again to bring you all up to speed on whats going on with my quest to get healthy and fit.
Well this weekend was a bust !!!! Went to a beer and chilli cook off, which means, I tried all 23 types of chillies and I don't know haw many breweries were there to present old and brand-spanking-new types of beer. But the weekend is over and I'm gonna re-start with all the power that I have. I'm feeling good and determined. Sometimes I think that this blog is a food blog and not a healthy life-stile quest blog........oh well.
Keep it tuned, because Maxy is back with a vengeance and nothing will stop me.
Cheers

WTF!

So the scale this morning said 189.4. Not quite sure how its possible that I gained 4lbs when I had AT LEAST a thousand calorie deficit each day.... and I know I didn't eat 12,000 effing calories on saturday. So either the science is wrong or my scale is fucked up. I could be getting my period which usually gives me about 5 lbs of water weight but I'm pretty sure I have another week before that comes.... so what gives? Im really frustrated! I have been working out harder and more frequently than ever before and I have been 90% saintly with my food.........my clothes fit nicer too! I didn't build 4lbs of muscle in one week either soo lets just forget that! I will take out my frustration during my workout and at derby tonight but for now...... I'm Fuming!----Chan

I weighed in at 180 this morning........I have no idea how I lost two pounds but it makes me want to keep going!!! Here's to one more day at a time!

The Kris